From time to time at The Velvet Onion, we naturally recieving inquiries about articles published in a popular British newspaper concerning one of the key figures we feature on our pages.
At first, we elected as a group not to broach the subject on The Velvet Onion, but as the enquiries keep coming, our resident peeler Moggems prepared us this witty summary of recent “stories” in the world of the pointy one, which we felt worth revisiting.
Here at the Velvet Onion we pride ourselves on bringing you news from the Booshniverse based on facts. Some news providers, however, prefer not to restrict themselves to things that are actually happening.
And why not, when reality can be so disappointingly mundane? So, as there’s not a lot of Boosh news that’s really happening at the moment, we thought we’d bring you a round-up of the Boosh-related ‘news’ stories that are complete tosh, all brought to you by Britain’s best-loved tabloid…
“BOOSH TO SPLIT!”
This story has been peddled out on at least 3 occasions over the past 12 months. Some choice extracts from the articles are, “It will mark the end of the comedy duo, who have been performing since 1998.” And “Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt are close to calling time.” The ‘source’ quoted in one of these articles was also discovered to be a joke post on a fan forum! Luckily for us, the forthcoming movie (or movies, plural), an album/set of EPs and even the Mighty Decider App have proved these stories to be complete fabrication.
“RONNIE WOOD & NOEL FIELDING WRITING BOOK”
If only this were true, but sadly it isn’t. According to the journalist they were writing a version of Where the Wild Things Are. Neatly done. As the article appeared in July 2008, we can only assume that either they’re very slow writers, they’ve forgotten that they were supposed to be doing it, or…it’s utter rubbish. Hmmmm, go figure.
“NOEL TO STAR IN PADDINGTON FILM”
According to an article that appeared in January 2010, Noel has been lined up to play Paddington’s half-bear/half-human cousin (a character that doesn’t actually exist) in the forthcoming Paul King-directed movie. A story that Noel himself dismissed as fake just a few weeks ago.
“FIELDING FIRED FROM BUZZCOCKS”
Noel was reported to be “absolutely gutted” in this non-article from 2009. Interesting, as Noel was tweeting “the bbc have been very supportive and I have not been fired from the Buzzcocks as far as I know.” at the same time! Unless the BBC managed to find a very realistic Fielding stand-in for the entire last series, we can only assume that this article was made-up nonsense. Next…
“ALICE COOPER AND NOEL TO STAR IN WEST END MUSICAL”
Genius idea, but again, there appears to be no truth in it whatsoever. According to the article, Noel was “planning to write” (so clearly very certain then) a musical in which he would star alongside Alice Cooper. This was reported way back in Summer 2008, so unless he’s planning to get onto it after he’s finished his book project with Keith Richards, don’t hold your breath.
“NOEL AND RUSSELL BRAND TO WRITE SHOW ABOUT PULLING”
It must have taken a lot of imagination to take 2 alleged ‘lady killers’ (their words not ours) and create a story that they’re writing a show about pulling women. Nearly a year later, there’s still no sign of the show. What a suprise….
“NOEL GIVEN BODY SEARCH FOR DRUGS”
According to this story last week, Noel was stopped in the street and subsequently strip searched. Except he wasn’t. According to the official UK Government’s website, “If the police want to search you, they must do it in a public place. They can only search you further if they have strong evidence that you may be connected with terrorism, or if they think you’re using your clothes to hide your identity.” Ok, so Noel’s wardrobe can be a little out of the ordinary, but seriously??
If only real life was as colourful as it’s painted to be in the tabloids! Granted, even the best news reporter can make mistakes, but all of these stories are still live on the relevant website, and none offer a subsequent correction.
We here at The Velvet Onion pride ourselves on doing our best to avoid such tabloid fodder, both in respect for our readers, and in respect for Noel Fielding and all the others involved in the lies being printed on a regular basis. We appreciate people trying to help us find stories – it really warms our cockles, but stories like this have no place here, and beyond this article, they never will.
So if you want genuine Boosh news that you can believe in, we suggest you keep peeling The Velvet Onion.