Note To Self

What would The Mighty Boosh be like without the the colourful character of Bob Fossil? Well, it wouldn’t be The Boosh, that’s for sure! Rich doesn’t just play the part, he brings it to life and makes it his own and some of the funniest lines you’ll hear throughout the series come from this wacky creation. In fact, in series one, there is only one episode that he doesn’t feature in with a speaking role and that’s Electro!

So as part of Fulcher Fortnight and in honour of Rich and the brilliant character of Bob Fossil, we’re going to take you on a journey through time and space back to Series 1 to look at his most memorable quotes……

Killeroo

In episode one, we see Fossil set up a boxing match between Howard and a killer kangeroo also known as a ‘killeroo’. Howard thinks by winning, he will win Mrs Gideon’s heart so with Vince’s help, sets about defeating the killeroo.

“And that’s why I don’t like cricket”
“Note to self: pocket cup!”
“I have pictures of you naked! And I’m gonna put them all over my body and run around the zoo”
“And fighting the killeroo: Howard Moon! Former male prostitute.”
“Oh, you know those guys, with the little hands? With the big pockets? With the little versions of themselves in the front pocket…”

Mutants

The animals are disappearing at the zoo and it’s up to Howard and Vince to find out what’s going on and to put a stop to Bainbridge and Fossil’s shady operations . . .

“Welcome to the Zooniverse, where all your dreams come true… niverse…”
“I’m general manager Bob Fossil and i’m a human.”
“Why are you people so small, huh? I CAN REST MY DRINKS ON YOUR HEAD!”
“Bobby Bob Bob, king of the donut people.”
“The grey leg faced man. He has legs… and another leg on his face…”
“Bite my radius, ladyus!”

Bollo

Bollo is gravely ill so Fossil makes Howard dress up in a gorilla suit to take his place and he mistakenly gets taken by the grim reaper. It’s now up to Vince to rescue his best friend.

“I’m your boss man, but also your friend, but i’m not your wife, but we have made massively violent love.”
“The little man. The squashed in French man.The naked little squashed up hairy boy. You know, with the hand feet? The brown little hand foot man!”
“If you dont, all the animals will go poor and they won’t be able to afford toboggans or sausages.”
“Watch it, Moon, or i’ll be all over you like a nun sandwich.”
“Ano dominus, vomitus, erectus etceterus.”
“What do you want, a chocolate fruitcake covered in beans? Get to work.”

Tundra

In an attempt to compete with Zoo owner and adventurer Dixon Bainbridge, Vince and Howard set off on a journey through the Arctic to try and find the infamous egg of Mantumbi where they come face to face with the ice demon ‘Black Frost’.

“Now i want everybody to mind their P’s & Q’s. That means no effing and jeffing.”
“He may try to kiss me on the cheek, maybe the mouth. I don’t know how lucky i’ll get.”
“Alright you two beatniks, what do you think this is, a day at the races with Uncle Bobo? This is a real live action man with loads of action stories. Now listen up and fly right.”
“Go ahead, pumpkin.”
“I want you to look presentable. That means SHOES, Naboo.”

Jungle

Dixon Bainbridge is set to sell the zoo. Can Howard and Vince find original zoo owner Tommy Nookah, the only man who can help save the zoo, in time?

“Suck on that subsection!”
“Note to self: I hate whites.”
“What, ride in a pick up truck and beat up midgets?”
“Are you wearing pants?”
Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge? I don’t know how to dial.”
“What the hump are you doing here?”
“What part don’t you get? Bainbridge sells zoo. They’re building a road over it and i’m gonna go to Miami and take up golf.”

Charlie

Howard is on a mission to become a serious writer and win over Mrs Gideon while Fossil has embarked on a new breeding plan for the pandas which, as expected, is a little different to the norm.

“I got a problem with the black & white people at the zoo. You know, the black eyed Chinese people that eat sticks?”
“Bainbridge told me when the man panda kisses the lady panda, they invent new baby pandas and everybody comes from all over and gives us money.”
“Oooh, i’m Howard Moon, i know how to read. I know all the animals names at the zoo.

Hitcher

When Ivan the bear attacks Fossil, he decides it’s time he went to live at an Animal Offenders Institute. Of course, Howard and Vince are the ones who are enrolled to take him there and their journey is not without it’s hitches . . .

“Ivan, the hairy Russian carpet guy.”
“When this guy’s not busy being a carpet, he loooooooves to dance.”
“Hey dung heads, lets move it along.”
“What he doesn’t understand is if carpet man don’t dance, carpet man don’t eat.”
“Naboo, you saved my life! I have to kiss you passionately on the mouth.”
“Technically, you’re not a peeping tom if it’s one of your relatives.”
“And that’s why you should never bring a cricket bat to Greece.”

As we continue with Fulcher Fortnight here on The Velvet Onion, this time we thought it would be fun to take a look back at Series 2 and the array of weird and wonderful characters that Rich plays.  Just because Fossil only makes a very brief appearance in the final episode, it doesn’t mean Rich played a background role! He is still very much a feature in the series.  So without further ado, lets take a walk down memory lane and see what he has to say for himself this time round . . .

Call Of The Yeti – Kodiak Jack

“Oh yeah, the talky stick. Your voice was trapped in there this morning.”
“What’s your name, sugar dumpling?”
“Have you ever had a mountain goat grab you by the scrotum then run away with it, then sell it on eBay a day later?”
“You ever been rohypnoled by a swan?”
“Come here, you little yeti biatch!”
“A little to the left! Oh yeah!”

Priest And The Beast – Betamax Bandit

“Prepare to die, beatdogs!”
“That’s right, come to Papa”
“Windey windey, nice and slow . . .”
“That’s not the reason, jerkoff! The reason why i’m so angry is that many years ago, someone slept with my wife. It was him and he shall pay!”
“Oh, oooooh shitnuts!!”
“Feel my vinyl tendrils.”

Nanageddon – Bingo Caller

“Fifty two – avian flu.”
“Two bloody stumps – number eleven!”
The age i lost my virginity, number forty three.”
“Shish bang boom, bolly bolly boo boo – number twenty eight.”
“Good people are dicks – number forty six.”
“Fee fi foo – number thirty two.”
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm – number eighty four.”
“Howdy doody bouncing clown – number seventy five.”

Fountain Of Youth – King Nomad

“We have reached a verdict. You shall be buried up to your necks in sand, left in the midday sun to be cooked alive.”
“See? I’m a big’un.”
“I’m taller than most things – chairs, beachballs, women on their sides . . .”
“I am 4’6″ with shoesies.”
“Give our master some space, you pigdogs!”
” Good luck my lovely lady lumps. Bye!”
“I love the chosen one, i think that he is number one. I love the chosen one, loving him is so much fun.”

The Legend Of Old Gregg – Ramsey

“I love your hair, what’s that about?”
“I’m a local artist. I put shells on things. You know, like cups and telehone books and shoes. There’s not too much money in it though. “
“Let me let you in on a little secret. Gather round. Not you, naan bread.”
“You and your lady friend can have a special time together. I’ll even give you a discount.”
“Whenever i hit a creative drought, i go fishing out on Black Lake.”

The Nightmare Of Milky Joe – Boat Captain/Bob Fossil

“Looks like you’re having yourselves a coco nightmare!”
” You’re eating rancid coconuts. Makes you coco loco.”
“Could i get a mullet? Primo!”

“Welcome to the Pieface Showcase. WOAH i made a rhyme!!”
“I’m your host with the most!”

Keep peeling where next week, we’ll be taking a look at more of Rich’s best lines from  Series 3 and both the live shows!